OMEK: Be Inspired!

With Woman, With Life
byTova Hinda Siegel

“Midwife” is a word in old German meaning “with woman”. Historically, as well as today, it categorizes a specific profession in medicine. When I began my journey towards becoming a midwife, I was familiar with this definition. Most people, however, upon hearing the term “midwife” usually associate it as being “someone who, in taking care of the ‘wife’, delivers her baby”. There is little awareness about the many roles a midwife plays during the life cycle of a woman.

As a midwife, I have certainly attended many births, guiding women through the intensity of labor and delivering their babies. As the baby is born, I’ve lifted the baby to her mother’s breast, and helped this new mother begin feeding her new baby for the first time. As a midwife, I also provide medical care, as well as emotional support, during pregnancy and after the birth, often looking after the newborn as well. Outside of pregnancy, I take care of women and girls of all ages, providing for their various health care needs. In short, as a midwife, I have been “with woman” for the entirety of her life cycle.

In the last few years, however, I have become aware of a part of being “with woman” that was never covered in my medical training. I have become involved with performing Taharahs for Jewish women in Los Angeles. A Taharah is the ritual protocol of preparation of a Jewish person for burial. It consists of a specific set of actions, delineated by Torah law, that are performed by a group of women, if the person is female, and of men, if the person is male. These groups are often volunteers and are known by the title Chevra Kadisha, which means “holy friends”. The service they perform is called chesed shel emes or the ultimate “true kindness” since this service is provided for those who can no longer say “Thank You”.

How, you may ask, can I compare Chevra Kadisha work with that of providing women’s health care? An interesting question…And yet, I have experienced a reality which tells me that this last act of caring for women is just a logical extension of the work I have been doing for so many years.

When a pregnant woman comes under my care, there is a sacred trust that exists between us. Implicit in this trust is my saying “I will be sensitive to you, to your needs. I will respect you and this new existence that you are creating. I will be there to help your transition from one state to another.” Though not as dramatic or perhaps, obvious, there is the same trust when a woman comes to me for gynecological or general health care. I am promising that I will, to the best of my ability, be sensitive and caring, and attempt to fill the needs of this particular woman. I have always considered it a privilege, this work that I have been drawn to. I was blessed with blessings from the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson, when I began the process which led to my present professional career.

Several years ago, for reasons that I could not begin to enumerate at the time, I began to feel myself drawn to the idea of becoming part of the Chevra Kadisha. It took a while before I was able to begin the learning process and attend my first Taharah. Many of the mortuaries have women on staff – wonderful, G-d fearing and generous women who perform absolutely, kosher Taharas. By Divine Providence, I happened to ask a friend, I knew had been doing Taharas for several years, to please call me the next time she goes. Her response was “how about tonight?”

It somehow doesn’t seem appropriate to use the term “excited” in reference to how I felt, knowing that I was finally having the opportunity to begin this training. However, there was definitely an eager anticipation. Other emotions, as well, remain in my memory when I think of that night: nervousness…how would I react?... what if I did something wrong?... I won’t know what to do…As we were driving to the facility, I remembered that during my medical training I had the same concerns with my first birth. This was fascinating to me. What was the similarity? Why did I feel the same way?

Our team of three women consisted of my friend, who had a lot of experience, another woman whom I was meeting for the first time - who would be our leader, since she was the most experienced, and myself. We discussed what would most likely be the scenario and as I listened to these women speak, most of my trepidation and anxiety melted away. I knew that I was in good hands and I would be guided well.

We entered the room where we would be doing our work and removed the sheets that had been covering the woman when she came from the hospital, at all times maintaining a respect for her modesty and dignity. I was reminded that when a woman is in labor, we likewise acknowledge the need for modesty and dignity. We behaved, as we began the Taharah, in a manner of great sensitivity and caring. And, I thought, when a woman comes to me for health care, my promise to her is, similarly, to treat her with sensitivity and caring. Talking was minimal, speaking only when necessary to give instructions or to lend clarity. The atmosphere in the room was one of deep consideration for this woman who was someone’s wife, mother, daughter. Only actions necessary to accomplish the needed task were performed, always recognizing the need for and goal of minimal movement or disruption. There was a sense of depth, of spirituality and of connection, as we went through the ritual of the Taharah and recited the tefillos (prayers). It was impossible to not be impacted by this profound feeling.

When we finished our work, we asked forgiveness of this woman whom we had the privilege of assisting in her transition from one plane of existence to another. If we had done anything improper, some action not according to Jewish Law, if we had caused any distress or humiliation, if in any way we were remiss, we now asked that we be forgiven. At this last moment of being “with woman”, I found that I was also asking that she please be an advocate for all Jews and beg God to bring Mashiach.

We walked out into the night air, seeing a clear sky, and feeling a deep quiet. I examined my feelings and realized that I felt as if I had been at a birth. There was the same silence, the same respect, the same depth of feeling. The same sense of privilege and the same knowledge that I had been given a gift of witnessing the transition of the soul. I knew with a certainty of understanding why I had been drawn to participating in this extraordinary mitzvah. Whatever it was that had propelled me to being “with woman” throughout their lives also drew me to being “with woman” as they leave this life. I felt that now I was truly a “midwife” in the fullest sense of the word.

Tova Hinda Siegel is a Certified Nurse Midwife in practice in Los Angeles for the last 20 years. Among her 1000-plus births are several of her grandchildren, B"H. Recently she has started the Lubavitcher Women's Chevra Kadisha.

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COMMENTS

Powerful, your article. As deeply spiritual as my own experience was, it made it even more spiritual.

Thank you.
Shabbat Shalom,
DM Los Angeles


Tova Hinda,
I read your article on Shimona's site about Chevra Kadisha and the funny thing is that mitzvah was somehow always compelling to me. I first heard about it from my Rebbetzin back east several years ago and sort of forgot about it, got busy with other things. But when I read your article it brought back my interest? That isn't really the right word, but it'll do I suppose. Anyway my question is: are there any kind of parameters about who can perform this mitzvah? age? mother of young children? Pregnancy? It's something I would like to do but don't know if I'm 'allowed' at this point in time, but if I am, I wonder if I might be able to with the group you've started? Please let me know.

Best to you and Good Shabbos,
Sarah W


Thank you so much for your comments.

To answer your questions about who may perform Taharahs first: There is no Halacha, according to the Rav, that prevents a young mother from doing them. However, the general feeling is that women who are older and have more life experience might be able to better handle any intensity which might arise. In general, its also not recommended that a pregnant woman do Taharahs, out of concern for her baby. All that being said, if a younger women feels compelled to participate in this most holy of Mitzvahs, there is no injunction against her doing so. As well, I have known pregnant women who felt that doing this was a big merit for their unborn child. At all times, whenever a Taharah needs to be done, if there aren't a large pool of women to choose from, then whoever is available, regardless of her status, should do it.

I also wanted to address your comment about your "interest" being re-ignited, and your concern about that not being the right word. First of all, I am thrilled that you are interested in learning to do Taharahs. As you know from reading my thoughts, I feel that it is a special privilege we have. I think however, that "interest" is a completely appropriate word. Many of us have felt somewhat odd at being "interested" in doing something that can only take place as a result of someone passing away. Perhaps there is a more respectful word, a word that isn't the same as what we would use to discuss our desire to be involved in something mundane or trite. Yet, what we realize is that our interest, for whatever reason it is stimulated, is exactly what has led us to learn to do this Chesed Shel Emes. Where that interest comes from is probably a very individual thing, but it is interest that brings us together to learn and participate in this act of holiness. Hashem has created us to be born and to die, and has given some of us the gift of being "interested" in facilitating this passage. I welcome your interest and encourage you to follow it and become part of a group in your city. Thank you for writing.

Love,
TH